God, how can you say that to me now? I need to go! I have so much to do! So many people are counting on me. Be still? What about my work? What about the girls? They have school, and they can’t get behind. Be still. . . yea, maybe when I sleep. The more I run ragged; the more run down I feel.
So much to do, so little motivation:
So many people in the time of this pandemic are panicking. Running around, trying desperately to control anything they can when things seem so uneasy and out of control. I know for me, my struggle is carrying the weight of my family. My husband’s job is not ever really secure. That’s what the oilfield is, the rise and fall of the stock market seem to hold our family hostage in worry all the time. When it is down, like now, I try desperately to keep all the family together. Managing finances and living frugally so that we can last through the storm. I am managing the children so that the stress of our lives doesn’t add to the burden of my husband’s work stress. We are so blessed, and I am so proud of how hard he works, but the weight of having to lay off some of the men he works with is massive for him. When the market is up, I try desperately to hold all the family together—reeling in our finances, living frugally so that we can build a safety net to fall into if the market falls. Even in the high times, I feel like I am not enjoying it because I am living in constant anticipation of the fall.
And again, in my moments of worry and frustration, God is telling ME to be still?? I feel if I stop, I will drown. How can I be still God? I don’t “be still” well; I am the one telling others to be still; I’m not the still type. I laugh and carry on; I’m the freight train God; that’s how you use me, right? I know who I am. I’m a get’er donner! Yes, that’s who I am.
God using my other half:
My husband called me and wanted to share with me what happened to him today. I thought it would be the usual conversations, but I was wrong. A few years ago, I bought him “Grace for the Moment” by Max Lucado. It’s a daily devotional for men. I honestly feel like it would be great for everyone, but being that I haven’t read it, I can’t say that for sure. Today, he told me how overwhelmed he was feeling. At that moment, he turned to God and his Grace for the Moment book. He usually has it out on his desk. He opened it up, and it was already on the correct day. He admitted that he doesn’t read it every day the way it is intended, but when he does read it, it helps him so much. He told me how odd it was that it was on the correct date, and there were only two ways it could have landed on that date. One, on this day, exactly one year ago, he turned for inspiration in the book and bookmarked it for later and coincidentally landed on today. Or two, my more likely and favored theory, one of the guys opened it and read today’s date while in his office. My hope is the second theory is the correct one. He thanked me for getting him the book and that it has drawn him closer to God in his most stressful and desperate times. But then he said something that hit me. He said, “I know I don’t read it as much as I should; I wonder how much it would help me if I did.”
At that moment I felt the peace of the Holy Spirit come over me, and to my surprise, all I wanted to do was be still. . . The peace I felt was what I was craving so desperately. I knew that If I were still, if I let go of control, God would give me peace. And if I were dedicated, He would do it every day! After the pandemic, after the market came back, after school started again, after the work was done; he would still give me peace if I stayed still and dedicated to him every day.
God, thank you for the lesson You set in my heart. Thank you for my marriage and having a partner that will be a positive influence at his job and in our marriage. Thank you that you use each of us to bring the other back to You. Thank you for your peace that surpasses all understanding. Please help me to be still and lean in on you. Please help me to recognize and trust in you in all things. And to never be too busy to listen to You.